Wednesday, August 17, 2011


I don't think about love very often. To me, it seems superfluous; not necessary. I hear certain people speak about how their philosophy is to love and be loved and "the greatest thing someone can do in life is to love." Somehow, these mantras don't seem to get through to me. I'm a firm believer in the idea that your first love in life has to be yourself. Without loving who you are, you can't allow anyone to love you. However, though I am secure in who I am, I continue cringing at the real prospect of love.

Of course, the idea of love appeals to me. To be so wildly, deeply in love with someone that you lose all sense of reason, nearly being consumed. However, I can't see myself ever needing someone that badly. But what if the kind of love that I just described only exists in movies or songs? Are we all destined to love and be loved in a state of mediocrity?

I know this all seems a bit premature seeing as I am still a high-school student, but when does one pass through to the age where it is acceptable to say "I'm in love"? Without a doubt, when teenagers say those words we all take part in a synchronized eye-roll, but at what age, according to society, does the eye-roll cease? It all seems a bit arbitrary to me.

I can see both sides of the dispute of "Do teenagers/young people in general know romantic love." I believe that yes, they can. They know the love that has been set before them. As a teenager is just being exposed to love, they know love to the the extent they can. And the reason adults rolls their eyes as another love struck teen says "I'm in love" is because they have had the experience of love past their teenage years; love that is more intense, making their teenage experience seem like a mild friendship in comparison. But there are so many exceptions! I can't sit here thinking that I know everything and making these grand assumptions as if I am this omniscient being. There are teenagers who have met and are in fact deeply in love, as in love as any adult couple can be.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that love falls on a spectrum. Some of us are lucky enough to experience the all-consuming love (I hesitate to say "true love" or "soulmate" because I can't say I believe in those things) while some of us love but are not in love.
Love is something that for me is fleeting. If love were simply as black and white as I described above, I would fall under the latter category. I love being around somebody, and I love the idea of love, but I am a victim of dreaming up a love that I don't even know if it exists. What if everything pales in comparison to the love I've created inside my mind?

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

the world is a weird place

Teenage angst sucks. I always thought that somehow I had magically escaped it, but right now I can't seem to struggle out of its grasp. This always happens to me during the Summer. I don't have school to fill up my time, so I spend the days thinking about everything. I think about college, and my future, and my life in general, and I think myself into a state that I can't seem to get out of. I'm left feeling like I just want to run away, instead of face the hard times ahead. I just want to leave, or go somewhere. I want to travel, and DO something, and BE somebody. But I can't help but feel that this is what everyone wants. Everybody wants to feel special and achieve greatness. But can everybody? This was the subject of one of my first posts... Obviously I haven't reached a conclusion. But maybe the conclusion is to stop worrying about this, because if I keep thinking about it, I'll never do anything. Do want I want and fuck the rest, even if I won't succeed. At least I'll know that I tried, and I wasn't sitting in my bed reading books because escapism is better than facing the real world. So Carpe Diem starts now.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Just read previous post to my Dad. Don't think he liked it too much. I'm regretting what I posted.... I'll give it a few hours.


I've been listening to the Jonas Brothers for about one day now after re-discovering their music. I had a long love affair with the Jonas Brothers during the summer of 2008, so I'm well acquainted with the Jonas Brother phenomenon.

But you know what I hate? I hate how people go around now and continually bash Justin Bieber and the Jonas Brothers, because they are teen pop-stars, or over-synthesized. I genuinely don't understand it. Really, hipster? Do you have to go so far as to truly HATE music that millions of people like? What does their music do to you? Why do you brood over the fact that your favorite underground band that only three people have heard of is not famous, while Justin Bieber is? Don't you not want your music to be known? Because then it would be mainstream! Something that you religiously stay away from. It's musical taste! So let the people who listen to Justin Bieber and the Jonas Brothers and Selena Gomez be. Don't berate them on the horrors of pop music while you sit on your high horse.

Which brings me to my next point. There are no horrors of pop music! I had somewhat of a revelation while listening to "Fly With Me," and I think that the music industry qualifies that a musician has merit if he/she can make something complicated. We think that, because his/her lyrics are as confusing or complicated as Shakespeare, they're instantly musically genius. But isn't there beauty in simplicity? There is beauty in a song that doesn't try hard. There is beauty in simple lyrics that still convey an emotion that speaks to you. And whether that particular song speaks to you is relative, but don't deem yourself so musically-knowledgable that you have the ability to qualify music as horrible. In music that legitimately speaks to someone, horrible does not exist.

I'm a music fan. I'm an unabashed JoBro fan. If you think less of me for it, that's your loss.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

a tree grows in brooklyn

Oh, and by the way:

"Let me be something every minute of every hour of my life. Let me be gay; let me be sad. Let me be cold; let me be warm. Let me be hungry ... have too much to eat. Let me be ragged or well dressed. Let me be sincere-be deceitful. Let me be truthful; let me be a liar. Let me be honorable and let me sin. Only let me be something every blessed minute. And when I sleep, let me dream all the time so that not one little piece of living is ever lost."

A Tree Grows in Brooklyn- Betty Smith, Ch. 48

the return

Don't Stand So Close To Me - The Police

I'm sorry I haven't posted in more than a month. It's really for no apparent reason, I just didn't have anything to say, and I didn't want to post about my day to day life, because that would get incredibly boring incredibly quickly.

So, now that I have something somewhat actual to say, I'll get along with it.

For my English class, I had to write a narrative about the life of me (a la Frederick Douglass). In this narrative, you had to make a certain argument, and I chose to argue that as teenagers in this society, we are often invalidated because of our age. I argued this point quite vehemently, because in our final essay I made the same point. The whole time, however, I was taking on a very much "holier than thou" attitude. I believed that I was transcending age, and I couldn't fully achieve this because my peers with their crazy shenanigans were hindering me. Only after I recieved my grade (maybe a little before) did I have somewhat of a revelation.

I made that argument because I'm trying to make an excuse for the lack of success I have experienced. I'm trying to blame society and it's biases on the fact that I feel inadequate sometimes. I can't simply face the fact that I haven't done enough, or that I am simply too young. I would like to believe that I have the same benefits as someone ten years older than me, but that simply isn't true. As a fifteen year old in this society, I am not going to be treated as a thirty year old, as much as I want to be. But it's up to me to basically say "screw it" and do what I want to do. That, of course, does not mean have crazy sex or take a few shots during passing periods, it means that if there is something I want to acheive, and there is something societal that is holding me back, it's up to me to push past it. It's up to all of us to push past social norms and a single person's comment or a single person's belief and achieve what we want in life. We can't blame it on an abstract force of nature anymore, because we have the ability to do what we want.

Sunday, December 19, 2010


Watching people at Starbucks is one of the greatest things ever. In the most un-creepy way possible. I'm not peering through the windows with binoculars, I'm writing my research paper, and instead of going on facebook for distraction, I am watching people..

I've seen a few coffee dates this morning. One consisted of a foreign man talking to this girl for the duration of their date. I don't think that's going anywhere.

Right now, however, there is a date with a man and a woman both in their early 60s probably. They're completely different, it seems. She's been married twice, lived in Italy, got her MBA from Northwestern, and is wearing incredibly fashionable clothes. He has never been married, and is wearing flannel and a trucker hat. Initially, I thought that these two would not click at all. But they've been talking for awhile. They seem to be enjoying themselves. I hope they are, at least.